Becoming “Mama Mac”

I could tell you down to the day that I decided to be a coach. A decision that, by all other accounts, truly wasn’t mine. It was a gut punch to the chest and a knowing that personal training was the first step into a world I didn’t even dream possible.

In that year, I had abandoned my dream-school, moved out on my own, and was pursuing — what I thought to be — a lifelong dream of acting. Reading scripts, theatre and improv were it to me. That was, until I had nothing left in me to give.

I had lost sight of who I was, what I wanted, and whom I was living for. In a volatile relationship, having cut myself from members of my family, and dropped out of college, with dementors darker than ever, I was left with an Rx and told to “figure it out.” So I did.

I was tired of pinching, pulling, and sick of telling myself that I was “disgusting,” and other self-loathing mantras I wouldn’t allow to cross the threshold of the training floor today.

All I knew was that I hated what I saw in the mirror, and furthermore loathed the woman I was becoming. With an already black and blue ego — and too humiliated for human interaction — I began working-out exclusively during the hours of 12, 4, or 5 a.m.. Trotting down to the fitness center, sporting ragged baggy clothes, an ipad and yoga mat in tow.

I had no idea what the fuck I was doing, but I had a will and a want to be more than I was. To become the go-getter, firecracker, and dreamer that was always at the depths of my core; which, I was simultaneously desperate to tighten and shrink.

Up until this point, I had never had a healthy relationship with my body. Growing up in Los Angeles didn’t help. Confined to the comparison rut, fighting a losing battle against the demi-gods/goddesses of hollywood.

Yo-yo dieting, and destructive eating habits coupled with macro-counting-compulsions, were a recipe for disaster. At my smallest, and still filled with self-loathing, I was 108lbs at 11% body-fat and still didn’t think it was enough.

I was “fit” and thought I had it figured out.

Enter: MMA/Boxing. I was intoxicated by the sport. Skipping top-tier acting classes to train in my coach’s garage. It was the inevitable carosein to a fire that was just beginning to roar.

Boxing taught me humility, and dedication. That the only real opponent is the one in the mirror.  The mits morphed in to the faces of those that caused pain, fear, and darkness. “Shadow boxing” took on a whole new meaning, when I used the exercise to square up with my own inner shadows.

Boxing gave me the first glimpse of evolution. To observe what is truly possible when a person decides they’re worth it. To witness daily wins, progression, and grit. Boxing TKO’d my ego, teaching me that the most valuable results are not the ones in the mirror, or on the scale.

The real results happen within.

One day, I pulled off The 405 (yes… this highway gets a proper “The”).  Like an uppercut to the soul my world was sent spinning with the greatest truth I’ve ever known. I had to become a coach. I called Mama B.

“I have to become a personal trainer. I don’t know how to do it — or how the hell I’m going to be able to afford it, but it needs to happen,” I said.

A week later, Mama B and I toured the new Golds Gym in our area. On our tour, I expressed my passion for fitness, where it had gotten me, and what my dreams were. They offered an interview and to sponsor my certification on the spot.

Never in my life had I felt nerves like this. My stomach rising into my throat, palms sweating and face hot. This was the biggest audition I had ever been on.

When asked why I wanted to become a trainer, I replied without hesitation:

“I want to be the client’s best friend in and out of the gym. I just feel like its so much more than how you look, or what you’re lifting. I want to be there for them every step of the way, and let them know they’re not crazy.”

So began the ride of a lifetime. One that has brought the most beautiful souls into my world, and allowed me to witness the most awe inspiring evolutions. A ride that I don’t see coming to a halt anytime soon.

When prompted with:

“That’s gotta be hard, being there for them all the time…”

“Isn’t it annoying?”

“Aren’t you exhausted, I couldn’t get up that early…”

“Wait… they have your phone number” (yeah… they do).

I’m not tired, irritated, or overwhelmed. I am nothing if not grateful that each unique human has entrusted their journey to me.

I am nothing if not humbled, that these humans have opened their hearts, worlds and minds, to their coach because of the trust, relationships, and love we have built via literal sweat, and tears.

When asked why I coach, my heart involuntarily swells. Like a proud mother, watching her child grow up before her eyes, I have been granted the gift of guiding daily evolutions, far greater than my own.

Fl-ients ( (n.) family members that are technically “clients.” )

My flients are what make me get out of bed in the morning. They are what make life worth living. They are my accountability, foundation and motivation. They make every late night, crisis, life lesson worth every minute and more.

My mission is to be the person I wish I had when things were at their worst. When life seemed impossible, and when my goals seemed infinitely out of reach. To be your most authentic mentor, coach, resource, and hooman, possible.

It’s never been about aesthetic, monetary or external validation. Every step of the way in this coaching journey has been about you. The human reading this. The human being behind the username.

It is about you, your past, present, and potential. It is about growth, evolution and process. It is a journey that is yours. No one has the right to tell you how to live it.

You have every right to make this journey everything you know it can be for you and so much more.

You have the right — and the responsibility — to be more everyday.

It is your duty to never settle. To revel at the human in the mirror, rather than ridicule, embracing the beauty of unknowing.

You do not have to have it figured out. You do not have to have all of the answers. Your life is about daily discovery, and having the humility to admit that you are human.

It is not about working hard — for the sake of working hard — dieting, nor your body-mass-index.

It is about molding a mindset, selecting fuel, and tailoring a fitness regimen that makes sense for you. That we, as a family, have fine tuned to be fool proof together.

You deserve a coach that appreciates, honors and respects your evolution for what is. Your’s. A coach who is in the ring with you, not shouting from the corner. Who only wants to see you succeed — not just during the hour in the gym — but in The Other 23 hours of your day.

You are my why.

You deserve everything you’re after and more. Should our paths cross, and you feel there might be more in you, I am only a wide open-door and a message away.

Know that I would not only be honored, but privileged to partake in your evolution.

3 thoughts on “Becoming “Mama Mac”

  1. Heyo! I’ve found you through the famous social media & I don’t exactly follow a lot of “workout influencers” so to say but when I scrolled through your page it was very different from the rest. I so appreciated your openness & honesty with your audience & it felt safe & relatable. I was on your live today & asked some questions that you answered so well I came to your link & began to read your blog & I hands down am so thankful to have found this today. I’ve been in such a huge funk in my life it’s nice to know we’ve been in similar places & the way you’ve managed to handle your life & attitude is truly inspiring. I have suffered from depression & social anxiety since I would say 4th grade & it’s hindered me in so many different ways in my life & I feel because I haven’t truly dealt with that or the core 4 physical, mental, lifestyle, nutrition all together I’ve poked at each separately but never been able to push myself to make that jump but I’m ready. I hope this isn’t bombarding, if there’s another way to reach you I can do that also.

    1. Anika — Thank you so much for taking the time to connect with me on the “inter-wub!” It can be a magical place if we’re willing to make it that way, one step at a time! I had such a pleasure chatting with you on our call. Hope all is well!


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